Oasis in the throes of new ticket sales

Oasis wants you to register for the privilege of maybe being allowed to buy a ticket, and somehow that's the reasonable part of this story. The 2027 dates just dropped — Glasgow, Manchester, Munich, Barcelona, Amsterdam, Paris, Rome, Boston, Vegas, Slane, Knebworth, the whole geopolitical footprint of a band that broke up over a plum — and there is no general sale. None. You register by 8am PT Thursday, you pick three cities like you're filling out a college application, and then the algorithm decides if you're worthy. Codes go out staggered September 25-27, because apparently even the disappointment needs a rollout schedule now.

This is the Studio 54 velvet rope reimagined for men who peaked emotionally in 1996 and never got the memo. Somewhere a Ticketmaster product manager is standing in front of a whiteboard that says "SCARCITY = DESIRE" in dry-erase marker, nodding slowly, getting a promotion. The last time this many British men filled out a form hoping to be chosen for something, it was for a chance to stand near Kate Middleton at a hospital opening.

And the kicker — Boston seats run up to $541, Vegas up to $546, and that's before you've even been deemed acceptable enough to pay it. You're not buying a ticket. You're auditioning for the right to overpay. Somewhere Liam is telling somebody to shut it, and for once he's not wrong.